When I Was A Kid...

Halloween has long since past but I'm still cleaning up the mess. Apparently, my electric fence does work. That ought to teach them kids to read those warning signs next time!

You know you're getting old when you start dating yourself and telling kids how different they have it today then compared to ...o, say my day. Don't think so, you dare say? Try these on for size:

When I was a kid, we had toys that worked in blackouts.
When I was a kid, we didn't shoot each other.
When I was a kid, the moral fibers of America were still partially intact.
When I was a kid, we didn't have to worry about viruses and online predators.
When I was a kid, we didn't have to worry about the effects of global warming.
When I was a kid, we actually had cartoons to watch after school... and on multiple television stations, no less.
When I was a kid, we didn't know Rosie O'Donnell and Michael Moore existed.

You don't even have to tell me how right I am. Just continue nodding in agreement, slowly pull out your checkbook, and write me a fat one. Kids today just don't realize how unfortunate they are. Had they been introduced to the world a good ten to twenty years earlier, they would be saying the exact same thing - word for word.

And look at them now - in the hospital being treated for electric fence shocks. Actually, to be honest, I don't have an electric fence. I just said that to be pretend to be cool. I probably just lost a few friends making that confession. But that's alright. I still have my sweet childhood memories to fall back on. That's another thing that the kids of today don't have that the kids of my day have plenty of. How many elementary school kids today can reminisce about life ten or twenty years ago? Show me one of those, and I'll show you someone who doesn't belong in elementary school.

Not So Happy Feet

You probably noticed I haven't been online at all this past week even though in my last post, I explicitly said that I would be. I have yet to take any of my online courses, in which I am now four lessons behind in both courses. I do, however, have a couple of reasons in my defense. Sure, they're horrible reasons, but they are reasons nonetheless.

First of all, who can blame me with all the wonderful season premieres launching last week. I'm talking about great television programs including but not limited to Heroes, Kid Nation, Beauty and the Geek, and Kitchen Nightmares! Alright, anyone with more than a peanut for a brain should probably be criticizing my judgment, or lack thereof. The smart thing to do would be to not watch so much tv. But I'm not that smart.

Second of all, I have been completely entrenched in the realm of fantasy baseball. Those of you who don't play these things probably think I'm crazy. You don't even have to say it. But you know I have no real athletic talent, so let me have my fantasy sports, alright? Anyway, today marks the very last day of the season and if all goes well, I will emerge tomorrow morning as the champion in the league at work! The guy I'm playing is a legend in the office but I have a very good chance of taking him down. This guy has won the last two years and I just started playing last year so this is like a real life David and Goliath battle, except David is going to win this one. I'm David. I'm making a powerful enemy at work but there are people counting on me to take him down. I've even been offered a free lunch if I win in addition to the top prize money. Normally, I don't like talking about other people in this sorry blog of mine and this is no exception. So that's all I'll say about that. I don't want to see any pink slips on my desk.

Speaking of work, I recently bought a pair of new work shoes and gazooks, are they uncomfortable. Maybe "uncomfortable" isn't the right word. A better word would probably be "discomforting." The problem is that the shoes are really narrow. I don't know why I didn't pick up on that when I tried them on at the store. I think I was just excited that I'd finally be wearing something that didn't emit any funny odors. What irks me is that these shoes are meant to be comfortable, which is why I decided to spend a few extra clams on this particular pair. But the other day, I went to play basketball after work so I took off the work shoes to put on the basketball ones and it felt like I was walking on a cloud! If you're wondering if I really have experience walking on clouds, the answer is no. It's called lying. Anywho, it could be that I just have fat feet. It's not the first time a new pair of shoes have felt a bit narrow. In fact, when I looked at my footprints the other day, all I saw were elephant tracks. Go figure. It's all in my head, right? So because of this unfortunate predicament, I've been taking off my shoes at work when I'm sitting at my desk. I guess it also gives me an opportunity to air out my feet. That probably explains the large number of people passing out as they walk pass my cube.

Getting My Learn On

Alas, I have found an answer to the mystery behind the age-old mystery of all age-old mysteries, that being the problem of why people who hate school hate school and why people who love school love school. The answer is: I don't know. I hope I didn't mislead you into thinking I actually had an answer to a problem. I only have problems to answers. At any rate, I'm dusting off the old bookbag and breaking out the abacus for some personal enrichment. I hope that's like saying I just started taking some classes because that's what I meant. But I'm starting to wish I hadn't signed up for these particular courses I'm taking.

One of these courses are on Saturdays. It's forty miles away. And it's from 8:15 am to 4:15 pm. I have to wake up at ungodly hours for this class. And then I have to stay an ungodly amount of time before I can go home. Not to mention the ungodly amount of traveling to get there. Good thing it's only for three Saturdays though.

Then there's these two other online courses I signed up for. I thought it'd be fun because I could do it in the comforts of my own home. The courses started last week, but I haven't been to any of the classes yet. So I'm already two lessons behind in two courses. And I don't know how these online things work. I don't know if each lesson is an hour or if it's half a day. I don't know if I have to do any homework or if the class bully is going to force me do his. I don't know if I have to download some pre-recorded video or if the professor is on standby and will lecture to me live. I don't know anything. Literally. Then again, maybe that's why I should be taking more classes.

So for the next six weeks, you'll probably see me online fairly often. Don't say I didn't warn you.

What's With Monkeys and Bananas?

I was at Jamba Juice today, as I often am when I'm in a Jamba Juicy mood, and ordered my regular original orange juice. Yes, I realize you all think I'm an idiot for paying several dollars for a simple orange juice. But the first time I ever ordered an orange juice there, I could have sworn they used no less than thirty oranges. Since then, that's all I get there. There's just something satisfying about seeing Jamba Juice sacrifice a grove of orange trees worth of oranges so that I could have my 24 ounces of freshly squeezed oj. I first thought that there would maybe be ten oranges in that thing but then I learned to count. Life is mysteriously better when you know how to count.

Anywho, back to my story, if you can even call it that. So I order my juice, I pay the guy behind the register, and then he asks me "If you were at a zoo today, what animal would you be, Justin?" I couldn't believe my ears. I'm here trying to order my orange juice and the dude wants to talk animals?!? Go figure. So after thinking for a little bit, I humor him and say "a monkey." Then he shouts out "Looks like we have our first monkey!" Then everybody in the store looks at me with a smile as if I'm some Chinese guy who said he wants to be a monkey. So everybody is happy and jovial and I walk over to the "waiting area." I use those quotation marks because it's not really a waiting area. It's more of a waiting zone, in my opinion. But as I'm walking over there, one of the girls walks over to me with something in her hand. She gives it to me and I see that it's a slice of frozen banana that they use for the smoothies! That girl was a genius. I don't know if that was planned or what but I literally laughed out loud. Everyone in the store was laughing too. I'd like to think they were laughing WITH me but when people are pointing and laughing, that's usually not the case. Alright, nobody was really pointing. Even if they were, I wouldn't care. That banana slice just made my day. It was good too. I think I'll start freezing my bananas from now on.

I guess they were asking the same question to all the customers cause I heard the lady after me say "emu." Crazy lady. Emus have nothing on a monkey. They get no banana too.

My First Semicolon

No doubt, some of you thought I was crazy after reading my last post as I compared a couple of popular songs to that of excrement. Truth be told, most of you already knew I was crazy before I made the post; the post was just extra proof. Hey, I just used a semicolon! Probably incorrectly though. It's a good thing I don't know any English teachers. This blog would probably overload everything they ever knew about grammar and trigger a stomachache so powerful, it would be felt as far as their third toe on the left foot. Anywho, I didn't make this post to talk about feet.

I was listening to a morning radio show and as the custom of radio stations, they played a song. This song happened to be Keyshia Cole's Let It Go, a song that I have a particular disdain for. And while the song is playing, the host gets an email from the program director that the song is not on "the list" and should not have been played. So the host calls the big shot program director. The director says it's not on the list because it doesn't fit well with the audience and is not a proven hit yet. Booyakasha! Music to my ears. I told you that song was weak! I knew I had to be right about something eventually. The program director is probably some jerk high up in the ranks but he was right. He was right because he agreed with what I said in my last post, proving I'm not really the charlatan I make myself out to be.

So what did I learn from this? Well, I learned that I don't care about what people think about my opinions. That is, until someone agrees with me. Then I care. I care then because I'm right and all the naysayers can have a hearty slice of humble pie.

Replay Dat Beat!

Whoever invented music should get a hearty pat on the back and a ten dollar gift certificate to itunes. Since I've been listening to the radio at work, my productivity level has skyrocketed. I think i may be starting to resemble someone who does not work for the government. Actually, no. Let's not go that far. So these past few days, I've been listening to a lot of radio and naturally, some songs get played four or five times throughout the day. Some of those songs are good and I wouldn't mind hearing them more often. But some of those songs just plain suck sour frog buttocks! Here are a couple of songs with a lot of air time that I could live without:

Song I Hate No. 1

Title: Make Me Better
Artist: Fabolous feat. Ne-Yo

YouTube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMUhmEJdAB4

Part I Hate:
I'm a movement by myself
But I'm a force when we're together.
Mami I'm good all by myself.
But baby you, you make me better.

My take: Speaking of movements and force, I think I've heard forced bowel movements that sound better than this song. The beat and the lyrics just don't work for me. It's probably just me cause this song is ridiculously popular. O well, such is life. Here's a fun fact: Ne-Yo is part Chinese. Maybe this song should be recalled like the other Chinese products. Ah, what a lame joke...

Song I Hate No. 2

Title: Let It Go
Artist: Keyshia Cole feat. Missy Elliott, Lil Kim

YouTube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAgRgy1I8hg

Part I Hate:
When this song come on in the club
They gon be like
Damn that's hot
And when they play it in they car
They gon drop they tops like
Damn that's hot
They gon mix it wit Biggie "It was all a dream" like
Damn that's hot
Me and Keyshia won't stop
Til the tick don't tock like
Damn that's hot

My Take: This song is hot.. a hot, steaming pile of dog doo doo. It's too bad because Keyshia can sing. Alrite, no she can't. This song I especially don't like though, especially the Missy Elliott part. On a side note, you know I'd make a horrible critic by the way I compare everything to waste products.

Song I Don't Hate

So now, to soothe my ear aches and pains, I'll share a song that was recently introduced to me. I think it's been around for a while but it's new to me:

YouTube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_RdPawsqgo

Jesus Christ Superstar

Whew... I'm still psyched up from the Lutheran youth convention i went to last week with my church. For you Christians, you know that feeling where you get so inspired and pumped up for God that you just want to run up to the devil and sock him in the gut? Well, I don't. Maybe the neck but not the gut. That hurts! So anywho, if you wanna ask me about Jesus, now's a good time. Normally, I'd respond to such a request with a punch to the neck but I'm in a Jesus-loves-you mood. So step right up.

So I went back to work after the convention and the first thing my supervisor tells me is that I lost some weight. He's probably right. I haven't been using the last hole on my belt like I usually do. I'm actually using the second to the last hole. *gasp* I better start packing the pounds back. I miss using that last hole on my belt. Hopefully, by my next post, I can get those sexy love handles back.

And speaking of food, what's been irking me lately are the high prices. Buying lunch will easily run over ten dollars. Dinner could be another twenty bones. I remember when cafeteria lunch at school used to be two dollars! Sure, the food tasted as bad as it looked but it was a complete meal. Now, I'll be lucky to get something to drink for two dollars! I place the blame squarely on the rising minimum wage in SF. See, people think raising the minimum wage is some magical gift with absolutely no repercussions. But where do they think the employers are going to get that extra money to pay the workers? Magic lamps? Money trees? Or magic trees with money lamps inside and when you make a wish, guns turn into boba drinks and drugs turn into doves and fly away into the enchanting sky?!? Well, in case you didn't know, I was being sarcastic. But the answer is that raising the minimum wage leads to higher prices on goods and services. So now, I have to shell out an alexander hamilton or two just so little jimmy can get an extra thirty cents an hour. Pure lunacy!

...Ah well. That's the price I pay for living here, I guess. Actually, I shouldn't be too hard on them. I'm sure people get sick to the stomach when they realize that their taxes go straight to my pay check so I probably shouldn't be complaining about money issues. Must change topic...

So... how about that Jesus, huh?

Gluttony at it's Finest

Muhammad Ali versus George Foreman at the Rumble in the Jungle. The Axis vs the Allies in World War II. Rosie O'Donnell vs Donald Trump on daytime tv. To categorize these battles as legendary is a gross understatement. They are light years away in superiority than any Super Bowl, World Series, or NBA Championship matchup combined. They will never be forgotten. But lo and behold, last week, came a battle that rivals the awesomeness of the three i mentioned five sentences ago. You know what I'm talking about: THE 2007 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.

In one corner, Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi. Kobayashi, going into last week's contest, had six consecutive victories, easily making him a true legend among legends. The first thing you'll notice about him when you see him is that he's Japanese. The Japanese are a very advanced people, perhaps even more so than than the Tibetan Monks of Drepung Gomang, so you know anyone going up against him is pretty much doomed. In fact, in his first year in the contest, they had to resort to hand-written signs because they didn't have actual signs that counted that high. That year, he finished with FIFTY hot dogs in twelve minutes, utterly humiliating the previous record of 25.25 hot dogs. To say the least, Kobayashi is a king among men.

But wait! In the other corner, we have Joey "Jaws Chestnut. What's so good about him, you ask? Honestly, I don't know. I just know he goes to San Jose State.

I won't spoil the ending but if you really don't know what happened, you are wasting your internet. It's nice to see that in a world where over 850 million people end the day with an empty stomach, the U.S. is holding contests to see who can ingest 20,000 plus calories worth of hot dog and hot dog buns in a single sitting. It is a true display of athleticism, or some sort of barbarianism anyway. Champions of etiquette and table manners must be keeling over at the sight of this annual contest but they can take their doilies and uh... umm... recycle them, I guess. God bless America and God bless competitive eating.

Burn, baby, burn!

And just like that, summer is officially upon us. I say what's up with that? We already had a summer last year, right? We don't need another one... or do we? Okay, stupid question. Of course we do. I certainly like it because I can now walk out of the house with only three layers of clothing and it's the only time of year when I actually get to see sunlight outside my house. Why is the sunlight so important, you ask? Well, when you live in a home equipped with solar-powered toilets, the sun becomes more important than family, and maybe even more important than internet. Alright, I'll fess up: I don't have solar-powered toilets. Nobody does... God willing.

During the past couple of weeks, I've been out in the sun a lot. And as Murphy's Law would have it, i got a pretty nasty sunburn. It's so bad that I've resorted to using lotion. I'm not a big fan of lotion, but my skin was peeling pretty bad. So before I went to work the other day, I applied half a bottle of lotion onto my face. But the problem was that it smelled really fruity. As I was on the bus to work, it seemed like everyone was looking at me. Maybe it wasn't the lotion and I was just over-paranoid. Maybe it was because the color of my belt didn't match the color of my shoes. Or maybe, it was because I didn't have any pants on. Either way, I had to do something about the lotion. So a girl at work prescribed some Aveeno for me because of its unscentedness. So during my 10 o'clock break, I stormed out of the office, power walked past the regular calvacade of hobos, went into Walgreens, and picked me up some Aveeno. I went back to the office, washed up a bit and tried some of this stuff and lo and behold, it worked! Aveeno provided the soothing coolness of a moisturizing cream but without the girlie scent. The aftermath of the relentless sunburn was humbled by a simple 2.5 oz, plastic, squeezable tube of Aveeno.

For all your lotion-tastic needs, Aveeno should be your liquid cosmetic of choice. It's fragrance free, moisturizes for 24 hours, and is made with natural colloidal oatmeal! But best of all, it is dermatologist recommended. Although if I went to see a dermatologist, they would probably tell me I'm an idiot for going out in the sun without any sunblock on. So before you start stocking up on Aveeno lotion, it'd probably be best to just get some sunblock and avoid sunburns altogether. But if you do get a sunburn, Aveeno has a shoulder you can cry on. Yes, a comforting shoulder made of sweet, colloidal oatmeal.

Celebrate Good Times

If you're like me, which I already know you're not, then you've been in a celebratory mode as of late. And if you are actually like me, then may God help us all! But some things I've been very grateful to be a part of recently are weddings, retirements, and birth of babies - none mine, of course. These celebrations are fun events to attend and nobody would dare hate celebrating. If they do, they probably shouldn't be celebrating in the first place. Well, I guess you could hate funerals if you count that as a celebration. I have a feeling mine will be extremely celebratory. But some events are just harder to celebrate than others. The chief violator of which I speak of are graduations.

You probably already got me wrong but don't get me wrong, I think graduations are great. They are inspiring celebrations of dedication and hard work, or lack thereof. But I can't speak for clown or barber colleges. I have yet to attend one of those. I imagine being at one of those fills you up, not so much with inspiration, but with eh... what's the word I'm looking for.. o yea, humiliation. But the problem with graduations are that most of the event is so boring. It's not so much the length of the graduations. I've been to some pretty lengthy events but the running time is not what really bothers me. The most boring part is when they're calling out names of people you don't know or don't care to know. Then when they call the name of your beloved friend or family member, you go nuts for about five seconds and then you slouch back in your chair and return to your own little world. But you know its really boring when you start running out of things to daydream about it.

A lot of times, the speaker is really boring. If you've heard one graduation speech, you've probably heard a million of them, right? It usually goes something like this: "Congratulations on your hard work at this great school. Blah blah blah happened to me and look at me now. But now, it's your turn to go out and save the world." All you fans of Al "the definition of boring" Gore, are probably cursing at me but you don't scare me. You couldn't even get Gore into the White House in 2000, which is good because instead of rallying countries for wars, he'd be putting them sleep. Actually, that may be the secret weapon against the war on terrorism.

Anywho, I'm still going to go to graduations and I'm still going to look forward to attending them. I wouldn't miss them for the world. The world is even more boring.

Excuse My French...

Hopefully, you haven't noticed but it's been a while since I last updated. I was all ready to update last week but some things came up and yada, yada, yada. But in so doing, I think I've ifound a true time machine. I call it "laziness." Here's how it works. First, you plan on doing something. Then, instead of doing it, you get lazy. And soon enough, you will find yourself living two weeks into the future! I'm still trying to figure out how to reverse time, but I'll save that for a rainy day.

Anywho, last week was Cinco de Mayo and I'm still having trouble understanding the big hoopla. I know why they celebrate it - it's a celebration of Mexico's victory over the French in some big battle, if I'm not mistaken. I know it's not Mexico's Independence Day and I know it's not Mexico's Dependence Day. That much I know. So assuming that is true, why would you make a big fuss over a victorious battle over the French? This is the French we're talking about, people! Nobody loses to them! Well, I shouldn't say that. A year after the Mexicans defeated the French forces, the French came back and took over Mexico City. I guess even the French military gets their 15 minutes of fame. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

Why, o why, must Cinco de Mayo become one of the biggest celebrations in America? You don't see people celebrating the rising of the sun every morning or celebrating the opening of a new Starbucks - not sane people anyway. Those are givens. We know the sun will rise. We know there will be a new Starbucks. And we know the French will lose in battle.

I suppose I may be being a bit of a hypocrite. After all, my blog thrives on blowing things out of proportion. But I still think Cinco de Mayo is unnecessary but sometimes the most necessary things in life are the unnecessary things. And sometimes, I just like to make stuff up. You know, like if I said the French won a battle.

Stuff That Looks Like Other Stuff

Even people who are living under a rock know about the tragedy at Virginia Tech last week so I'm not going to walk you through what happened. Of course, everybody is talking about this thing - including mothers, grandmothers, grandmother's grandmothers, and grandmother's grandmothers' grandmothers. And out of those conversations come an interesting observation that I have come across. Sure, you probably already gave me zero credibility with the grandmother's grandmothers' grandmother stunt I just pulled, but just stick with me for a while here.

I've been told that I look like Seung-Hui Cho and needless to say, that bothers me a bit. How would you like to resemble a nutcase? Guys want to look like famous movie stars like Bill Bixby or Ray Bolger. They don't want to look like Hitler or Mao Zedong... even if they are handsome. The first time I was told, I dismissed it as hearsay. But when multiple people with no relation to each other tell you the same thing, even O.J. Simpson's lawyers can't bail you out of that one. So you be the judge... me on the left, Seung-Hui Cho on the right...

You know, that I look at that, there does appear to be an uncanny resemblance. Actually, that would explain why people on the bus have been giving me the stink eye. That would also explain why I've been getting special discounts for dog meat. I guess it's not all bad.

But really, saying that Koreans are catching a bad break is an understatement of Biblical proportions. Yesterday, I was watching the season finale of The Apprentice and the Korean guy, James, made it to the final two. But you know what happened. Donald Trump fired James. Talk about pouring salt on an open wound. Is it a coincidence that in the same week, the Korean community gets a black eye from the Virginia Tech incident AND the Korean on The Apprentice gets fired? Well, yea, it probably is.

One last thing... since we're on reality tv shows, was anyone also bummed out when Sanjaya got the boot? I guess it was expected but wow could anyone not like this kid? Here are my top 5 reasons why I was rooting for him:

5. He was the only Asian person.
4. He was the dark horse.
3. He can't sing.
2. He looks like Hector Jimenez from Nacho Libre. (see below)
1. His name rhymes with diarrhea.


O well, there's always next time.

The T-errible Line

As all the locals should know by now, MUNI opened its T-Line that runs from Castro Station to who knows where. Unfortunately, the T does not stand for punctual, clean, safe, reliable, or comfortable. But it does stand for The-thing-that's-making-MUNI-go-from-bad-to-worse. The underground buses have not been nice to commuters this past week. The problem that everyone is complaining about is the delays. Well, someone is always complaining about delays but people have been extraordinarily vocal about it this week.

So today at the bus station, MUNI agents were handing out fliers with a letter from the chief of MUNI. His name is Nate Ford or something or rather. I wonder if his job description is to be a jerk and make people mad. Because if it is, he's doing one bang up job! So this letter he signed apologizes to riders about the delays and makes bogus statements about how they're working around the clock to fix the problem.

The way I look at, the answer is simple. Take away the T-line. How difficult is that, right? Sure, the hundreds of millions of dollars spent on this new line would be wasted. And the twenty plus years it took to plan this project would also go down the drain. But I don't care. At least I wouldn't be 30 minutes late to work every day.

Well, to be fair, I'm looking at MUNI's side of the story and trying to sympathize with them. After all, the real problem might not be the buses. I think the problem could be that people expect too much from a simple bus ride. Could expectations of our humble transit system be too high? Maybe. I mean why should someone expect the buses to be on schedule? It's not like people actually like to go to work anyway. And what's the big deal with being packed in like sardines and having no room to move or breathe? Some people like it a little cozy... even it means being sandwiched between two portly ladies.

Yeah, that's probably it. People are just too spoiled here.

He has Risen. He is Not Here!

Easter spells out beauty, the rare beauty of new life. -S.D. Gordon

Well, if you didn't know, today is THE day the Church celebrates the resurrection of Christ. So Happy Easter! What's so great about the Easter story is that it just makes everything else pale in significance. Why? Because it's all about Jesus. Duh.

And what better way for me to celebrate Easter then to make a new post, right? Truth be told, there are many other ways - and they're all probably infinitely better. But if you take away all those good ideas one by one, somewhere along the line will be "posting on insignificant blog." Besides, how many bloggers do you know of that are posting on their blogs today? Other than everyone on the planet, I've got to be the only one. But please, hold the accolades. There is no need to thank me, friends. The pleasure is all mine.

So anyway, I've been thinking about people's diets and what they eat. I was at Fresh Choice yesternight and was a little surprised by how well that place is doing. First of all, the meal does not include any meat whatsoever, save for the pepperoni on the pepperoni pizza and the clams in the clam chowder. Second of all, the mac and cheese has no cheese! What in the name of Steve Urkel would motivate them to serve mac and cheese without the cheese? It's like going into a fast food joint and saying "Yeah, I'll have the cheeseburger but hold the cheese." Madness, I tell you. Well, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, Jesus was a forgiving man and I can be one too... usually. Maybe they're just looking out for us lactose intolerant folks. Or maybe I just went on a bad day. Ugh.. but either way, the guy who founded Kraft Foods must be spinning in his grave!

Anywho, that's not the point I wanted to exaggerate. I just don't know why people like Fresh Choice. I think most people go because they think it's healthy and that they can't possibly gain any weight from eating there. I've got news for those people: if you eat all you can eat, you're going to gain weight. For some reason, people think salads and soups are some magical food that contain zero calories. And they eat them like they contain negative calories. The latest stat I've seen is that one third of the country is overweight. I must have saw a third of those people at Fresh Choice yesterday.

I can pinky swear with the best of them but I'm going to give away the big secret to losing weight and that is: EAT LESS, TUBBY! Why is that so hard to swallow? Pun intended. People, you don't need to give away your hard earned dollars to other people to help you lose weight. All you have to do is eat less! That or exercise more. But I hate exercise so I'd rather eat less. So If you're trying to eat less, a buffet isn't going to cut it. On the contrary, you'll be the one cutting it. And by "it," I mean "the cheese."

I saw on the news recently that TGI Friday's is serving their meals in smaller portions. Not only that, the prices have gone down to reflect the smaller serving sizes. Unfortunately, I'm not all that familiar with the restaurant chain. I've only been to Friday's a couple of times in my whole life and I'll probably go another two times the rest of my life. But I say good for them. Nobody ordering an appetizer and dessert should be eating a full rack of ribs anyway.

Having said that, you'll still probably see me at various buffets. I've got nothing against buffets. I'm just trying to look out for the little people. I guess in this case, the little people are the big people.

Spare Some Change?

For some reason, I've noticed an increase in the hobo population in the past few days. And I'm not just talking about hobos. I'm talking about bums, homeless people, transients, and vagabonds alike. I have no idea where they came from. It's like they're here on spring break. Perhaps, they've come to feast on the growing number of tourist who foolishly underestimate the hobo community.

See, nobody ever thinks about the hobo factor when they go on vacation. And once when they run into a tenacious hobo, forget about it. They might as well personally hand their spare change straight over to the drug dealer. You know, with all the hobos that hang around the main library, you would think that we would have some of the smartest hobos around. But I usually see them passed out on the street or high on something. Hopefully, these people will get the help they need because apparently, the library isn't helping the cause. I guess whoever thinks libraries make people smart needs to go back to the drawing board.

Speaking of being wrong, a nice non-hobo-ish lady asked me for some directions this afternoon. She specifically asked me where 5th Street was and so I told her it was the next block. Having done a good deed, I gave myself a pat on the back. I got some weird looks but it was worth it. Helping the lost find their way is no small accomplishment. But then I hear the lady again asking the exact same question to some guy behind me. I thought... Ouch! What a slap in the face! How could she not believe me? I've been living in this city my whole life! And of course, to add insult to injury, the guy says, "It's right here." And you know what? He was right.

This is Spawta!

Who would have ever thought that the IMAX at Metreon would be sold out on a Wednesday night for 300? Come on, the place has 600 seats! And the movie is almost two weeks old! And it's a school night! And a ticket costs $15! Ugh... Anyway, I ended up sitting in the second row so note to self: if you're going to be late to a big movie, go alone. There's just no way you're going to find 5 or 6 good, open seats in the middle or back of the theater. But see, if you go alone, you could probably find a seat in any row you like. The person you sit next to will probably put you on their hit list because you took away their elbow room but hey, good seats are worth it sometimes. But this movie was worth the sore neck I got from sitting so close. In fact, it would probably be worth four sore necks. I'm not a movie critic and I don't play one on TV, but I rate 300 with an unprecedented four sore necks!

Anywho, the reason why I bring up the movie about the Spartans is that today, I met an engineer who graduated from San Jose State. Actually, I've met him before so it's not like I've never seen him before. When I was applying for an internship last spring, this guy was one of the people who interviewed me. I didn't get the offer from his department, but that's a moot point now. So today, my supervisor introduces me to this guy by my first name. And with a squinting eye, the guy somehow recognized the name and said my last name in question format. Apparently, he remembered interviewing me. I remember this particular guy because he asked me the hardest question ever to befall on my unbefalling ears. Allow me to flashback to the interview last year. Cue the flashback wind chime sounds! ...So I was being interviewed in a conference room by this guy and another older gentlemen. They joked that I was at an advantage because the older guy went to San Francisco State and this other guy went to San Jose State, both schools of which I have attended. They were both very proud men, knocking the other school and insisting that their respective school was better. So then they turn to me and asked: "Which school is better, San Francisco State or San Jose State?..." I didn't wear enough underwear to keep my pants dry that day. So unflash back to today. The guy from San Jose State is proudly wearing a blue hardhat emblazoned with a gold image of the San Jose State logo - that of the Spartan.

And the reason why I bring that up is that as I am typing this, I'm watching the NCAA regional semi-finals taking place in San Jose. And as the camera pans across the court, what do you see but none other than the San Jose State Spartan at the top and bottom of the half court line.

So first, the inspirational movie about the Spartans. Then, the guy with his Spartan hardhat. And now, seeing the home of Spartans hosting the big NCAA tournament. I can't help but feel a little proud. I'll admit, I was never really fond of San Jose State and in a week or two, I'll probably have a relapse. But in the past of 24 hours, I just got a fat dose of Spartan love. And on an absolute scale, that has raised my feelings of SJSU from totally ashamed to mildly disgusted.

Never underestimate a man in a loincloth.

Frosted Lucky Charms...

...they're magically delicious!
It looks like I'm a day late to sing the praises of St. Patrick and his big day. O well. I'm never on time anyway. To make up for that, I'm going to wear green for one extra day. And the green I speak of is not just in my nose! What kind of dirty slob do you take me for? I have plenty of green clothes, believe it or not. Sure, it's in the form of a stain, but green is green, right?
Anywho, I always wondered why watering holes all over America are packed on the day meant to celebrate a missionary from Ireland? Did he baptize people with alcohol? Was St. Patrick a booze hound? Well, maybe he was. I never knew him. I was only a little boy when he died. But what's next? Tipping cows in celebration of Mother Theresa? Actually, that might not be so bad.
If I had it my way, St. Patrick's Day would be a fun, family-oriented day. Everybody would add a prefix their name like "Mc" or "O' " for the day. Restaurants would arrange their food in the shape of a shamrock. Everybody would get free tickets to a Michael Flatley concert so they can pelt him with potatoes. And I would let Leprechauns have control of Congress for the day. Well, that couldn't really happen, I guess. We all know Leprechauns are instinct.
So what is the next big quote, unquote holiday? According to BlueMountain.com, today is actually Quilting Day. The 21st is Single Parents Day. The 26th is Make Your Own Holiday Day. And the 28th is Respect Your Cat Day. Haha... you can't make this stuff up

Coveralls That Don't Cover All

So is everyone enjoying the daylight savings time as much as I am? The only problem is that when you wake up, it's still dark. And that's not cool. Well, temperature wise, it probably is. But conceptual wise, it's not. But my suggestion to whoever had the power to make the change is that they should tell everyone to change it ahead about 30 years... so I can retire. Actually, I'd have no money if I retired so soon so maybe that's not the best of ideas.

What IS a good idea though is this t-shirt I saw at the controversial Battlecry event over the weekend. Here's a link to the shirt in question:

Click Me!

Nice, huh?

Speaking of t-shirts, I saw a rather large gentleman on the bus today and the undersized, bright orange shirt he was wearing didn't leave much to the imagination. What it did leave, however, was a nice pale gut hanging over his trousers. It was like an elephant wearing an eyepatch to cover up its butt. Additionally, when he raised his arm to hold on to the overhead bar, not only did he expose the gut in all its glory, he also revealed an open slit in the armpit area of the said shirt. I could almost see the stink lines flowing out that opening like a diarrhea of aroma returning to the bowels of hell. Not pretty, my friends. Not so at all.

But what was even more interesting was the looks on people's faces as they entered the bus. Watching for their reactions was more interesting than the large fella himself. I knew they were trying not to look but there's just no fighting such a temptation. Their eyes were destined to meet the gut. Even a blind man would look.

Racial Profiling

So today, I walk into an Eddie Bauer and the first thing that the sales lady at the entrance says to me is "Hey, are you Filipino?" So I say "Lasing ka na ba?" which means "Are you drunk?" in Tagalog. Alright, I didn't say that. I just looked that up really quick on the internet. I just told her I wasn't. But I wonder if she would have given me a special discount if I said "Yes." Or maybe she was preparing to charge me double. The only other sales person in the store looked like she was Filipino too. I had no idea Eddie Bauer was hiring Filipino women to run their stores. I don't think I've even ever seen an Asian-looking person rocking the rugged stylings of Eddie Bauer. If that's actually true, I wouldn't expect that to change anytime soon.

But that's not the first time someone thought I was Filipino. Just recently, one of the new secretaries at work asked the same question. After I told her I wasn't, she wiped off her forehead and gave an assuring sigh of relief.

So, it happens. People think I'm "one of them" and then apologize when they realize what an idiot they are, but it doesn't bother me. I don't see why it should. It doesn't inconvenience me any.

But last week, I was at Starbucks and felt someone tap my shoulder. I turn around and looking up at me was an elderly Chinese lady. She goes "You're Chinese. Do you speak Cantonese or Mandarin?" She said that in English but the rest was Chinese. She wanted me to relay a message in English to the lady behind the counter, which I gladly did. But that was unusual because she didn't even ask if I was Chinese. She just knew. But how?!? Was it my coke bottle glasses? My buck teeth? The way way I moronically ordered chop suey at a coffee shop? Whatever... she has her reasons. It may have just been a lucky guess.

But if you ask me, Eddie Bauer should hire her.

My Diary-uh

You'll have to excuse me if I haven't been posting as often as I normally do. I'm fighting a bout of the too-lazy-to-update syndrome. Symptoms include explosive diarrhea and instant death... one of which I have yet to experience. I won't tell you which one. I've said too much already.

But this has happened every time I started a website. So perhaps, it's just history repeating itself. But even so, it usually took a few more months before I admitted it. Ah well, as long as I have nothing to do, updating my blog will be a priority - an extremely low one but a priority nonetheless.

Speaking of bowel problems, if you haven't seen that Pepto Max commercial yet with the monsters, you're missing out on an awesome commercial. Here's a link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3iiaGD0koU

As the indestructible Ed McMahon would say.. haw haw haw, hiyooooooooo!

Shave Your Chest, Save Your Life

Last week, I completed a First Aid, Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation, and Automated External Defibrillator course. That means for the next two years, I am certified to do administer those three things and potentially save someone's life. And that means someone dropped the ball by letting me pass. muhahaha. If it ever comes down to me actually using CPR or an AED, you might as well wave the white flag and listen for the fat lady to belt it. We practiced on a dummy but I'm sure I still killed him many times over.

As you may have already guessed, I remember close to nothing from that class. The thing I do remember is that if an AED is needed and the victim has a hairy chest, you have to shave their chest first or else the stupid machine won't work. Talk about a hairy situation! That, in itself, might be more traumatizing than seeing the victim expire. Maybe I should only hang around people with clean, bare chests. That means I'd be safe hanging around all Chinese guys and most Chinese girls. I guess plan B would be to carry an electric shaver in my wallet. Hmm... yes, that could work. I'll look into that. But hopefully, I won't ever get to that. Otherwise, the victim can add "bloody chest" to their list of problems.

And one last thing from the class... I received a Wallet Skill Guide which is a summary of what to do when certain emergencies arise. There's one part where it shows you what to do if an infant chokes which I found to be quite disturbing, to say the least. Check it out. The images are not Photoshopped in any way. The captions, however, were modified and are my doing.

The Fall of Man... and Woman

I was crossing the street today and all of a sudden, I hear this lady yell out "Hey, are you okay?" to which another lady says: "ouch." So I turn to see what's going on and about 20 feet to my right was a lady on the ground in the middle of the crosswalk so I guess she tripped and fell. A passerby helped her get up and that was the end of that. What struck me was that the lady that fell down said "ouch" after someone asked if she was alright. Either that was premeditated or she has one sorry excuse for a response time. If it takes you five seconds after you get hurt to say "ouch," then you have a problem. What if instead of taking five seconds to respond to the lady, she took five seconds to respond to a red light? See what I'm getting at? Or what if it took you five seconds to realize you only had five seconds to live? Not cool, huh?

If that weren't enough, just a few seconds later, I see this guy laying in the middle of the street. And next to him on the ground was a bicycle so I'm guessing he fell of his bike. The three people closest to him walking by rush over to help him. At least I think they were helping him. Perhaps they were actually mugging them. Who knows? I didn't stick around. I was the fourth closest person but seeing as three abled-bodied good samaritans were by his side, I didn't stay behind. Besides, the guy was fully conscious and didn't look seriously injured. But maybe I should have stayed behind. I would at least of had more stuff to talk about in my blog. That's probably not a good sign for me. I'd have a serious problem of my own if I did something just to beef up my blog that nobody reads.

If you are that girl or guy that I speak of, I have a few words for you. To the lady, I suggest you invent a time machine capable of taking you back in time by five seconds. And to the guy, I suggest you put your training wheels back on. You can't be too careful out there.

Chapter 2 - The Second Part

If you didn't read my last post, then you missed the first chapter of my epic trilogy. And in doing so, you dodged a bullet... a bullet that couldn't even penetrate a saturated square of one-ply toilet paper. What does that mean? I don't know. All I know is that using one-ply toilet paper will turn your hands brown and scented in a hurry. Well, brown if you are on a healthy diet. But back to my trilogy, I just want to note... there will be no part three. This is just a two-chapter trilogy. And so with that, our journey continues...

So after I got home from Slow Club, I went online for like the fourth time in two or three years. I got on AIM and chatted with a friend that I keep in touch with on and off (mostly off). I probably haven't seen her since I was in high school so you know this is someone I don't like. har har... just kidding! just kidding! (note the double negative). But here's the gist of the conversation...

Me: Haha... that's the greatest and funniest story I ever heard! Now, you tell one...
Her: Hey bonehead, do you know Peter Lee?
Me: Actually yeah, I know a Peter Lee. That's funny cause I just had dinner with a Peter Lee. What of it?
Her: You two went to the same high school but in classes that were two years apart.
Me: No way! That sounds like the Peter I'm talking about! We cannot be thinking about the same guy.

But sure enough, we were. Well, there is no Peter Lee. I made the name up for anti-stalking purposes but you get the point. Here were two people I know from two totally different places and it turns out that they, themselves, were good, old chums. If that don't put the ink in coinky-dink, I don't know what does. Whoever said that the world is separated by six degrees of separation, is sounding like a genius right about now.

Well, I just had to share that little story with you. It was just really weird how she asked me that out of nowhere. My mind was truly boggled that night. If it's happened to you before, you know what I mean. If not, you either think I'm nuts or you suddenly have the urge to kidney punch me until all my hair turns gray. If you're in that category, take a number and wait in line.

And so it goes without saying... it's a small world.

It's a world of laughter

A world of tears
It's a world of hopes
And a world of fears
There's so much that we share
That it's time we're aware
It's a small world after all

There is just one moon
And one golden sun
And a smile means
Friendship to ev'ryone
Though the mountains divide
And the oceans are wide
It's a small world after all

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small, small world

Chapter 1 - The First Part

Ever wonder why people pay $10+ dollars for a hamburger? Alright, probably not. But I'll tell you why anyway. So I was at Slow Club the other night and for dinner, I narrowed down my choices to the pork loin and the hamburger. But here's the kicker: the pork loin... $19. And the hamburger... $10.50.

Here's why I was seriously considering the burger... it costs half as much and the portion is about doubled what you would get if you ordered any of the other entrees including the pork loin. I'm a big fan of many things - Macadamian nuts, clean underwear, being around people with clean underwear, and like most sane people, the 'best bang for your buck' theory.

I'm sure even Bill Gates is a stout follower of the theory. Look at him and then look at me. If you want a challenge, remove the look of disgust on your face when doing so. We haven't spent money on clothes that have been in fashion since the Carter administration and our wardrobes scream "Kirkland Signature!" ...except mine actually says that. So even with his billions of dollars and my tens of dollars, I'd like to think we still share a common bond - that of not wasting money.

Anywho, that's why I was eying the burger. But ultimately, I went with the pork loin to try something different... and to avoid the ridicule of my peers. And I must say, that was some quality pork loin. But now you know why a $10+ burger is not as crazy as it sounds. When your other options are to pay twice as much for half as much, the burger just may be the lesser of two evils.

The Year of 365 Days

Take a walk through Chinatown and you will see that everyone is taking part, often times against their will, in the celebration that is Chinese New Year. And with the coming of the new year comes the annual pilgrimage of the foreigners. I don't think I've ever seen Chinatown so diverse as it is during the days of the new year. Of course, it's not a bad thing. It's just weird to see Chinatown so different. People are smiling, the air does not reek of tobacco, and the sounds of people violently charging up their throats to loosen phlegm is all but nonexistent. You gotta love the new year.

But do you know why else I like Chinese New Year so much? Wait... why do I even make that in a form of a question? I know you can't answer me. And why did I just respond to the first question with another question? ...I just don't know anymore... Anyway, to answer that first question: No, you don't know. Or maybe you do, in which case, you have no reason to read the rest of this post. Actually, I don't even know why anyone would read it in the first place. But like I was saying, Chinese New Year is great for many reasons and first, among all, is that it gives me a valid excuse for not washing or cutting my hair. That's the only one of the traditions I follow. I think all the other ones are hooey like the cleaning your house one. Who needs that, right? This is suppose to be a happy time!

Speaking of blessings, which I really wasn't talking about at all, someone sent me a great link. The word "great" to me, translated into layman's terms, means "borderline-weird." And "borderline-weird" translated to you probably means "totally weird." But when someone sends you an email with the subject title "lol..." you have an obligation to spread the love. So here it is. Move your mouse around and then stop it.

http://www.1-click.jp/

Gong Hay Faht Choy!

The Silver Lining

If you didn't watch the finale to Beauty and the Geek, I don't know what you were thinking but I envy you. I know I hyped it up a bit in my last post but it was arguably the worse episode of the season... and perhaps of all three seasons. The only joy I got out of watching it was realizing that Sanjay looks like Milhouse from the Simpsons. Actually, that in itself was quite satisfying. So I guess it wasn't all bad.

Anywho, I saw a report at work today regarding complaints about city employees misusing city vehicles. Some people just have too much time on their hands. I, myself, am probably at the top of that list but I'm talking about people who waste time filing complaints about our beloved government employees. To those people, I say: relacks, I don't mind and so shouldn't you. Here are some of those complaints and why I think it's not the end of the world...

1. Allegation that a City car was being used for personal business because car was parked at a business outside City limits and had two child safety seats installed.

Just be happy that neither of the child safety seats were installed in the driver's seat.

2. Complaint that a City van ran a stop sign. When complainant reached the van at the next stop light, he complained to the driver who allegedly swore at the complainant in response.

Let's say the guy had a choice between stopping in front of the stop sign or stopping in front of your mother crossing the street. What would you choose, hot shot? So by running the sign, he was really protecting your family!

3. Complainant reported seeing an employee urinating in the street behind the open rear door of a City van.

Be thankful the employee wasn't going number two... on your head.

4. Complainant observed a City vehicle truck park at a pot club and the driver enter the club.

In his/her defense, the driver probaly went in there to get directions on how to get away from there!

See... it could be worse.

All You Need is Love... and More Toilets

Ah... there was definitely something in the air today in Civic Center. You might call it love but I would call it the smell of urine. Ugh... it's the smell you love to hate.

A few weeks ago, I kind of semi-jokingly told one of the girls at work that we should decorate the office for Valentine's Day and sure enough, outside of everyone's cubicle yesterday was a red heart. Don't get me wrong - I'm all for a spirited working environment. I even purposely wore black to match the color of my heart. Okay, that wasn't the reason - black just hides dirt better than the other colors.

And speaking of dirt, today airs the final finale of Beauty and the Geek. Don't ask me what that has to do with dirt. I was just desperate for a transition. But anywho, I'm not exactly sure why I like the show so much. I can answer who, what, when, where, and how but not why. Is it the girls? Mayhaps. Is it the guys? Perbe. Or maybe it's because I can identify myself with the people in the show. I don't mean to brag but I've been known to have the beauty of a geek and the brains of beauty. Perhaps, I just like shows that pit two opposite worlds together and forces them to collide. But I really don't know. I guess like a good valentine, you don't have to understand everything about it. You just have to love it... O wait, forget what I said. I know why now. Yea, it takes my mind off of that awful Civic Center urine smell.

My Eyes... The Goggles Do Nothing!

Some things, you just hate to see. And some things, you just love to see. And whatever doesn't fit in either of those two categories, probably fits in a third one.

Last night, I was at a wedding banquet and on the five or so tvs in the banquet hall, they showed a slideshow that I made with pictures of the bride and groom. The bride being a family friend, I agreed to put the slideshow together. Not that I was thinking about refusing to do it, but when you make things for people, you run the risk of creating a terrible product that can potentially result in a strained friendship and shame upon your family for generations to come. But alas, nobody booed the slideshow... or not loud enough for me to hear anyway. And to my surprise, it looked better than I originally thought.

So the dinner was going well. That is until they made the couple play this ridiculous game. What they did was make the groom stand on two chairs - one for each foot to stand on. The object of the game was for the bride to take an egg, insert it up one of the pant legs, transport it up the leg, past "the area," down the opposite leg, and out through the other pant leg. Weird, I know... even for me. Maybe I need to start crashing more Chinese weddings but that's not the kind of game that you play outside your own home. Or inside for that matter. Why would anyone play that game? It's kind of like this blog - no good can come of it. I just hope that the game didn't catch on to the kids that saw it. They have enough crazy things to worry about. So next time you drop by the grocery store, watch out for suspicious truants buying eggs. Apparently, they aren't just for eating and decorating houses anymore.

Beauty or Beast?

So today ends day two of a world without Anna Nicole Smith. Why do I care? I don't. But someone told me I should write about her and I said to myself: "That's a horrible idea. I'll do it."

So to me, Anna Nicole Smith is a gross exageration of what most girl wants to be. I'm not saying all girls. But you know there are some out there. Heck, maybe you can even throw a few guys on that list. She was always in the spotlight, what with her money, her legions of fans, and a body that can best be described as "zaftig." Betcha never heard that word before, eh? She's made news headlines a number of times - the most infamous instance probably being her marriage to some geezer old enough to be an octogenarian's great grandfather.

But beneath all of that, she lived a messy life. It was common to see her in public acting as if she was under the influence and there's probably a number of things that stemmed to and from that. What those things are, it doesn't matter. And it doesn't matter because I don't know what those things are.

If the media had spent more time telling the world that people like her need help instead of glamorizing such a lifestyle, we'd all see that she was truely, more of a beast than a beauty. And as the fictitious Carl Denham once said, "It was beauty killed the beast..." Why the writers of King Kong couldn't make that a complete sentence, I'll never know. But one thing I do know is that the world won't be the same without Anna Nicole Smith. I'm not saying it will be worse. I'm just saying it won't be the same.

What Global Warming?!?

If there's one thing I hate, it's greedy people ala 49ers owner, John Superjerk York. If there's two things I hate, it's that and poverty. And somewhere along that list of hated things, you would find "people that overhype environmental issues." Look, I'm a big fan of reusing and recycling - a peek at my underwear drawer, complete with underoos, will confirm those fears - but I'm talking about people who sacrifice everything to save the earth from "environmental injustices." They fight for crazy things like: saving moldy, old trees, expensive restoration projects, and preventing hair from being cut or washed.

Believe it or not, there is a more important matter at hand. One that we are all currently suffering from. That pressing matter is, of course, Global Coldening. Am I right or am I not wrong? Whoever thinks America is suffering at the hands of Global Warming needs to be stripped down to their long johns and locked outside. People are freezing their buns off because it's so cold. And it's been hard for those people - I mean you can't eat a hotdog or hamburger without the bun, right? har har har. But seriously, in all the years of my life, I don't ever recall having such a cold season last so long. Then again, maybe I'm getting forgetful in my old age. Or maybe my hand-me-down clothes from my sister are wearing out and getting a little too thin. But either way, I'm just waiting for it to warm up. I would really rather have it be hot instead of cold. I know regular folks would rather have it the other way around but not me, sister... or brother, or whatever you are to me.

Anywho, I just had to get that off my chest because I was waiting for a bus last night and it was frigid... literally frigid. So next time your mom tells you to wear a jacket before you go out, you should probably listen to her... especially if you're not wearing anything else.

Oh No He Di-int!

The other day, I almost made history. No, I didn't learn to use the pottie. Instead, I almost went the whole day at work without using the internet. People always accuse government employees being lazy and appathetic. You don't know how mad I get when I hear those kinds of accusations. But I'm not going to waste my time refuting them now because well... I'm feeling lazy and appathetic. But if my boss can have an affair with his campaign manager's crackhead wife, why can't I spend a few minutes looking at NBA boxscores?

It seems like everybody is talking about the big Gavin Newsom thing. Everyone but me... everyone but me except now. I read about his public apology but it's really hard for me to buy. I mean I can't even buy myself a decent pair of black socks for crying out loud! But the thing that makes it hard is that he was forced to make the apology. If he really wanted to make things right, he should have admitted it earlier when nobody was expecting it. Was he trying to hide? Yeah, right. He had to have known that his secrets were harder to hide than Rosie O'Donnell's second and third chins. If he didn't know that, then the people of San Francisco are crazier than I thought for choosing him to mayor.

But ultimately, I'm accepting his apology and giving him the benefit of the doubt. Sure, I hate many of the things he stands for and sometimes I'd rather see a monkey running the City but sometimes, people just need a second chance... even if it's their third or fourth second chance. And I'm not just saying this because I work for the guy... or then again, maybe I am.

The Panic Button

So yesterday, I had to go over to meet up with an architect at his office, which is about three to four blocks from where I work. He's on the fourth floor so I go up there, we do business and I leave. So I'm going down the elevator and all of a sudden, I hear the sound of a phone ringing. So I look over to my left and it's coming from the emergency speakerphone/intercom thing that's built into the wall of the elevator. You know, the thing you would use if the elevator got stuck and you were moments away from giving birth. But I guess I was just leaning up against it and accidentally hit that big, black emergency call button. Of course, I didn't mean to hit to button so I started to panic a bit. Then, ringing stopped as if someone had picked up on the other side so I talk into the phone and say something like "Hey, there's no emergency. I accidentally hit the button." Then, I hear some inaudible voices and finally some guy on the phone, in a fast pace, yells out: "There's an emergency in elevator one!" Then, after that, I hear a lady. And she goes, in a concerned and anxious tone: "Hello?...Hello?!?...Hello?!?!" But by then, the elevator is at the lobby and I'm already out of the elevator. So I rush over to the security guard by the entrance to tell him there's nothing wrong. But sure enough, he's gone. So what do I do? I do the honorable thing and run out of that building as fast as I could! Well, I wasn't really running. It was more of a power walk. But as if on cue, I walk into a friend from church outside the building. So maybe it was sign from God that I should stay and make ammends for my accidental doings. But then again, maybe it wasn't because she was late for work and couldn't hang around to chat. Or that's what she said anyway. I didn't mind. I just wanted to get away. But it's odd how everyone I bump into on the streets says that they have to go because they're late for work... even on the weekends. Hmmm...

Anywho, in retrospect, there was probably nothing to panic about. Sometimes you do something stupid, and you react ten times more stupider. Or sometimes you just proceed to waste people's time by making them read about it on your blog. I actually had to go back to the same place today and naturally, nothing happened. I wasn't about to make the same mistake twice! Of course, I stood at the opposite end of the elevator this time, far away from the button. Now I know not to lean against elevator walls, no matter how tired I am. But you can't blame me right? I mean it was a long day at work yesterday. Well... actually, it was only about 9:00 a.m. at the time... but uh... uh... but that's not the point.

Just be careful in them elevators. Those emergency buttons actually work.

Boxers or Briefs... or Thongs?

There comes many a time when when one gets sucked into some really weird conversations. You know... the ones that come out of nowhere, are totally unnecessary and impossible to forget? They don't happen very often but when they do... look out.

Case in point: the other day, I was headed over to Moose's for dinner with the self-proclaimed '26 and under' club at work. But it might as well have been the '26 and underwear' club becaue on our way, we somehow got into talking about men's thongs. Yes, that's right. Thongs. Thongs for men. Not a very traditional source for conversations, I must admit, but it did make for a good, hearty laugh. And as if that one instance wasn't enough, later on in the middle of my Wild Mushroom Cappuccino and Grilled Hangar Steak Pizzaiola dinner, the topic came up again! How much thong discussions can a person handle in one night, you ask? Well... apparently, more than one. At least if anyone ever asks me... "Hey Justin, you know how when people talk about men's thongs, yada yadda yada...," I can confidently say 'Yes! I DO know!' And how many of you can say that? Well, I hope none.

As for me and my underpants, I'll be thankful as long as they're fresh and clean. But considering I only have a couple pairs in stock and my laundry gets done no more than once a week, it might not be a bad idea to throw a few thongs into the rotation.

New Site, Same Great Waste of Time!

New Look, Same Great Taste... that's what I read off of a bag of Doritos a while ago. Personally, I would prfer it have a new taste and same great look but watcha gonna do. Anywho, welcome to my brand new blog! I've lost count but this is either my fourth or fifth webpage that I've started. And like the past ones, this one will likely be just as bad, if not worse! Eventually, it will probably die off like all the other ones so enjoy it while it lasts and I'll try do the same. And well, for my first post, I'm going to waste your time by giving you a quick tour of the place because off to the right side are few things worthy of mentioning.

So firstly, you will see the Bible verse that inspired the address of my site. I don't want to shock anyone but my name really isn't Matthew and I'm not really 1,223 years old. But if I have told you otherwise in the past, then I must have a bad memory. But wow, wouldn't that be quite a story to tell the grandkids... I mean you could tell them that you actually knew someone named Matthew! Well, no. That's a horrible story.

Moving on, you'll see a couple of profiles about me. The first one is the one that Blogger sets up. It's pretty boring but they do have a random question generator that I'm going to use periodically. So see what crazy question I get and I will share with you my pearls of wisdom. I'll try to do that once a week... or year... or lifetime so that the profile doesn't get too stale. And speaking of stale, I've included a link to a page written about me that was written two or three years ago. Some of the info is outdated and inaccurate, but it's actually the nicest thing anyone has ever written about me. So if you think I'm some evil, twisted person, this one is for you... or not.

And finally, the pictures at the bottom are uh.. well.. pictures, I guess. I'll post new ones when I stop being lazy, which is probably never.

So there ya have it. My blog is off and running. So buckle up, Keep your hands and feet in the vehicle at all times, and enjoy the ride! Next stop... probably more uninteresting nonsense!