The Fall of Man... and Woman

I was crossing the street today and all of a sudden, I hear this lady yell out "Hey, are you okay?" to which another lady says: "ouch." So I turn to see what's going on and about 20 feet to my right was a lady on the ground in the middle of the crosswalk so I guess she tripped and fell. A passerby helped her get up and that was the end of that. What struck me was that the lady that fell down said "ouch" after someone asked if she was alright. Either that was premeditated or she has one sorry excuse for a response time. If it takes you five seconds after you get hurt to say "ouch," then you have a problem. What if instead of taking five seconds to respond to the lady, she took five seconds to respond to a red light? See what I'm getting at? Or what if it took you five seconds to realize you only had five seconds to live? Not cool, huh?

If that weren't enough, just a few seconds later, I see this guy laying in the middle of the street. And next to him on the ground was a bicycle so I'm guessing he fell of his bike. The three people closest to him walking by rush over to help him. At least I think they were helping him. Perhaps they were actually mugging them. Who knows? I didn't stick around. I was the fourth closest person but seeing as three abled-bodied good samaritans were by his side, I didn't stay behind. Besides, the guy was fully conscious and didn't look seriously injured. But maybe I should have stayed behind. I would at least of had more stuff to talk about in my blog. That's probably not a good sign for me. I'd have a serious problem of my own if I did something just to beef up my blog that nobody reads.

If you are that girl or guy that I speak of, I have a few words for you. To the lady, I suggest you invent a time machine capable of taking you back in time by five seconds. And to the guy, I suggest you put your training wheels back on. You can't be too careful out there.

Chapter 2 - The Second Part

If you didn't read my last post, then you missed the first chapter of my epic trilogy. And in doing so, you dodged a bullet... a bullet that couldn't even penetrate a saturated square of one-ply toilet paper. What does that mean? I don't know. All I know is that using one-ply toilet paper will turn your hands brown and scented in a hurry. Well, brown if you are on a healthy diet. But back to my trilogy, I just want to note... there will be no part three. This is just a two-chapter trilogy. And so with that, our journey continues...

So after I got home from Slow Club, I went online for like the fourth time in two or three years. I got on AIM and chatted with a friend that I keep in touch with on and off (mostly off). I probably haven't seen her since I was in high school so you know this is someone I don't like. har har... just kidding! just kidding! (note the double negative). But here's the gist of the conversation...

Me: Haha... that's the greatest and funniest story I ever heard! Now, you tell one...
Her: Hey bonehead, do you know Peter Lee?
Me: Actually yeah, I know a Peter Lee. That's funny cause I just had dinner with a Peter Lee. What of it?
Her: You two went to the same high school but in classes that were two years apart.
Me: No way! That sounds like the Peter I'm talking about! We cannot be thinking about the same guy.

But sure enough, we were. Well, there is no Peter Lee. I made the name up for anti-stalking purposes but you get the point. Here were two people I know from two totally different places and it turns out that they, themselves, were good, old chums. If that don't put the ink in coinky-dink, I don't know what does. Whoever said that the world is separated by six degrees of separation, is sounding like a genius right about now.

Well, I just had to share that little story with you. It was just really weird how she asked me that out of nowhere. My mind was truly boggled that night. If it's happened to you before, you know what I mean. If not, you either think I'm nuts or you suddenly have the urge to kidney punch me until all my hair turns gray. If you're in that category, take a number and wait in line.

And so it goes without saying... it's a small world.

It's a world of laughter

A world of tears
It's a world of hopes
And a world of fears
There's so much that we share
That it's time we're aware
It's a small world after all

There is just one moon
And one golden sun
And a smile means
Friendship to ev'ryone
Though the mountains divide
And the oceans are wide
It's a small world after all

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small, small world

Chapter 1 - The First Part

Ever wonder why people pay $10+ dollars for a hamburger? Alright, probably not. But I'll tell you why anyway. So I was at Slow Club the other night and for dinner, I narrowed down my choices to the pork loin and the hamburger. But here's the kicker: the pork loin... $19. And the hamburger... $10.50.

Here's why I was seriously considering the burger... it costs half as much and the portion is about doubled what you would get if you ordered any of the other entrees including the pork loin. I'm a big fan of many things - Macadamian nuts, clean underwear, being around people with clean underwear, and like most sane people, the 'best bang for your buck' theory.

I'm sure even Bill Gates is a stout follower of the theory. Look at him and then look at me. If you want a challenge, remove the look of disgust on your face when doing so. We haven't spent money on clothes that have been in fashion since the Carter administration and our wardrobes scream "Kirkland Signature!" ...except mine actually says that. So even with his billions of dollars and my tens of dollars, I'd like to think we still share a common bond - that of not wasting money.

Anywho, that's why I was eying the burger. But ultimately, I went with the pork loin to try something different... and to avoid the ridicule of my peers. And I must say, that was some quality pork loin. But now you know why a $10+ burger is not as crazy as it sounds. When your other options are to pay twice as much for half as much, the burger just may be the lesser of two evils.

The Year of 365 Days

Take a walk through Chinatown and you will see that everyone is taking part, often times against their will, in the celebration that is Chinese New Year. And with the coming of the new year comes the annual pilgrimage of the foreigners. I don't think I've ever seen Chinatown so diverse as it is during the days of the new year. Of course, it's not a bad thing. It's just weird to see Chinatown so different. People are smiling, the air does not reek of tobacco, and the sounds of people violently charging up their throats to loosen phlegm is all but nonexistent. You gotta love the new year.

But do you know why else I like Chinese New Year so much? Wait... why do I even make that in a form of a question? I know you can't answer me. And why did I just respond to the first question with another question? ...I just don't know anymore... Anyway, to answer that first question: No, you don't know. Or maybe you do, in which case, you have no reason to read the rest of this post. Actually, I don't even know why anyone would read it in the first place. But like I was saying, Chinese New Year is great for many reasons and first, among all, is that it gives me a valid excuse for not washing or cutting my hair. That's the only one of the traditions I follow. I think all the other ones are hooey like the cleaning your house one. Who needs that, right? This is suppose to be a happy time!

Speaking of blessings, which I really wasn't talking about at all, someone sent me a great link. The word "great" to me, translated into layman's terms, means "borderline-weird." And "borderline-weird" translated to you probably means "totally weird." But when someone sends you an email with the subject title "lol..." you have an obligation to spread the love. So here it is. Move your mouse around and then stop it.

http://www.1-click.jp/

Gong Hay Faht Choy!

The Silver Lining

If you didn't watch the finale to Beauty and the Geek, I don't know what you were thinking but I envy you. I know I hyped it up a bit in my last post but it was arguably the worse episode of the season... and perhaps of all three seasons. The only joy I got out of watching it was realizing that Sanjay looks like Milhouse from the Simpsons. Actually, that in itself was quite satisfying. So I guess it wasn't all bad.

Anywho, I saw a report at work today regarding complaints about city employees misusing city vehicles. Some people just have too much time on their hands. I, myself, am probably at the top of that list but I'm talking about people who waste time filing complaints about our beloved government employees. To those people, I say: relacks, I don't mind and so shouldn't you. Here are some of those complaints and why I think it's not the end of the world...

1. Allegation that a City car was being used for personal business because car was parked at a business outside City limits and had two child safety seats installed.

Just be happy that neither of the child safety seats were installed in the driver's seat.

2. Complaint that a City van ran a stop sign. When complainant reached the van at the next stop light, he complained to the driver who allegedly swore at the complainant in response.

Let's say the guy had a choice between stopping in front of the stop sign or stopping in front of your mother crossing the street. What would you choose, hot shot? So by running the sign, he was really protecting your family!

3. Complainant reported seeing an employee urinating in the street behind the open rear door of a City van.

Be thankful the employee wasn't going number two... on your head.

4. Complainant observed a City vehicle truck park at a pot club and the driver enter the club.

In his/her defense, the driver probaly went in there to get directions on how to get away from there!

See... it could be worse.

All You Need is Love... and More Toilets

Ah... there was definitely something in the air today in Civic Center. You might call it love but I would call it the smell of urine. Ugh... it's the smell you love to hate.

A few weeks ago, I kind of semi-jokingly told one of the girls at work that we should decorate the office for Valentine's Day and sure enough, outside of everyone's cubicle yesterday was a red heart. Don't get me wrong - I'm all for a spirited working environment. I even purposely wore black to match the color of my heart. Okay, that wasn't the reason - black just hides dirt better than the other colors.

And speaking of dirt, today airs the final finale of Beauty and the Geek. Don't ask me what that has to do with dirt. I was just desperate for a transition. But anywho, I'm not exactly sure why I like the show so much. I can answer who, what, when, where, and how but not why. Is it the girls? Mayhaps. Is it the guys? Perbe. Or maybe it's because I can identify myself with the people in the show. I don't mean to brag but I've been known to have the beauty of a geek and the brains of beauty. Perhaps, I just like shows that pit two opposite worlds together and forces them to collide. But I really don't know. I guess like a good valentine, you don't have to understand everything about it. You just have to love it... O wait, forget what I said. I know why now. Yea, it takes my mind off of that awful Civic Center urine smell.

My Eyes... The Goggles Do Nothing!

Some things, you just hate to see. And some things, you just love to see. And whatever doesn't fit in either of those two categories, probably fits in a third one.

Last night, I was at a wedding banquet and on the five or so tvs in the banquet hall, they showed a slideshow that I made with pictures of the bride and groom. The bride being a family friend, I agreed to put the slideshow together. Not that I was thinking about refusing to do it, but when you make things for people, you run the risk of creating a terrible product that can potentially result in a strained friendship and shame upon your family for generations to come. But alas, nobody booed the slideshow... or not loud enough for me to hear anyway. And to my surprise, it looked better than I originally thought.

So the dinner was going well. That is until they made the couple play this ridiculous game. What they did was make the groom stand on two chairs - one for each foot to stand on. The object of the game was for the bride to take an egg, insert it up one of the pant legs, transport it up the leg, past "the area," down the opposite leg, and out through the other pant leg. Weird, I know... even for me. Maybe I need to start crashing more Chinese weddings but that's not the kind of game that you play outside your own home. Or inside for that matter. Why would anyone play that game? It's kind of like this blog - no good can come of it. I just hope that the game didn't catch on to the kids that saw it. They have enough crazy things to worry about. So next time you drop by the grocery store, watch out for suspicious truants buying eggs. Apparently, they aren't just for eating and decorating houses anymore.

Beauty or Beast?

So today ends day two of a world without Anna Nicole Smith. Why do I care? I don't. But someone told me I should write about her and I said to myself: "That's a horrible idea. I'll do it."

So to me, Anna Nicole Smith is a gross exageration of what most girl wants to be. I'm not saying all girls. But you know there are some out there. Heck, maybe you can even throw a few guys on that list. She was always in the spotlight, what with her money, her legions of fans, and a body that can best be described as "zaftig." Betcha never heard that word before, eh? She's made news headlines a number of times - the most infamous instance probably being her marriage to some geezer old enough to be an octogenarian's great grandfather.

But beneath all of that, she lived a messy life. It was common to see her in public acting as if she was under the influence and there's probably a number of things that stemmed to and from that. What those things are, it doesn't matter. And it doesn't matter because I don't know what those things are.

If the media had spent more time telling the world that people like her need help instead of glamorizing such a lifestyle, we'd all see that she was truely, more of a beast than a beauty. And as the fictitious Carl Denham once said, "It was beauty killed the beast..." Why the writers of King Kong couldn't make that a complete sentence, I'll never know. But one thing I do know is that the world won't be the same without Anna Nicole Smith. I'm not saying it will be worse. I'm just saying it won't be the same.

What Global Warming?!?

If there's one thing I hate, it's greedy people ala 49ers owner, John Superjerk York. If there's two things I hate, it's that and poverty. And somewhere along that list of hated things, you would find "people that overhype environmental issues." Look, I'm a big fan of reusing and recycling - a peek at my underwear drawer, complete with underoos, will confirm those fears - but I'm talking about people who sacrifice everything to save the earth from "environmental injustices." They fight for crazy things like: saving moldy, old trees, expensive restoration projects, and preventing hair from being cut or washed.

Believe it or not, there is a more important matter at hand. One that we are all currently suffering from. That pressing matter is, of course, Global Coldening. Am I right or am I not wrong? Whoever thinks America is suffering at the hands of Global Warming needs to be stripped down to their long johns and locked outside. People are freezing their buns off because it's so cold. And it's been hard for those people - I mean you can't eat a hotdog or hamburger without the bun, right? har har har. But seriously, in all the years of my life, I don't ever recall having such a cold season last so long. Then again, maybe I'm getting forgetful in my old age. Or maybe my hand-me-down clothes from my sister are wearing out and getting a little too thin. But either way, I'm just waiting for it to warm up. I would really rather have it be hot instead of cold. I know regular folks would rather have it the other way around but not me, sister... or brother, or whatever you are to me.

Anywho, I just had to get that off my chest because I was waiting for a bus last night and it was frigid... literally frigid. So next time your mom tells you to wear a jacket before you go out, you should probably listen to her... especially if you're not wearing anything else.

Oh No He Di-int!

The other day, I almost made history. No, I didn't learn to use the pottie. Instead, I almost went the whole day at work without using the internet. People always accuse government employees being lazy and appathetic. You don't know how mad I get when I hear those kinds of accusations. But I'm not going to waste my time refuting them now because well... I'm feeling lazy and appathetic. But if my boss can have an affair with his campaign manager's crackhead wife, why can't I spend a few minutes looking at NBA boxscores?

It seems like everybody is talking about the big Gavin Newsom thing. Everyone but me... everyone but me except now. I read about his public apology but it's really hard for me to buy. I mean I can't even buy myself a decent pair of black socks for crying out loud! But the thing that makes it hard is that he was forced to make the apology. If he really wanted to make things right, he should have admitted it earlier when nobody was expecting it. Was he trying to hide? Yeah, right. He had to have known that his secrets were harder to hide than Rosie O'Donnell's second and third chins. If he didn't know that, then the people of San Francisco are crazier than I thought for choosing him to mayor.

But ultimately, I'm accepting his apology and giving him the benefit of the doubt. Sure, I hate many of the things he stands for and sometimes I'd rather see a monkey running the City but sometimes, people just need a second chance... even if it's their third or fourth second chance. And I'm not just saying this because I work for the guy... or then again, maybe I am.