Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Twas The Night Of Christmas...

...when bowels of gluttons were moving in the bathroom stall,
kids played with their new toys, while I blogged about paintball...

Merry Christmas, everyone! Joy to the world, the Lord is come. I hope you at least had an above average day. There's no need to worry about the economic turmoil, no need to be afraid of having to pay full price for Christmas trees, and no need to worry if Christmas in 2008 will start with the coming of the apocalypse. No, not today, friends. Today is Christmas. Enjoy it.

Back in November, I went paintballing and I have the pictures to prove it! I suppose these could have been created through the magic of photoshop. But trust me, they are real. I can send you a certificate of authenticity if you want. Then again, the certificate would most assuredly be photoshopped. But please, peruse away:

Exhibit A: Here's me cowering in fear. Observe that yellow stick protruding out of my right bicep. Well, that's where my right bicep would be if I had any muscles. It's actually the trail of a yellow paintball being fired at me. Next to my shoe are a couple of paintballs that probably bounced off me, showing that having a tub of lard for a gut has its advantages.

Exhibit B: No, I'm not twenty feet in the air, balancing on my right leg over some mysterious rod. This is me taking the walk of shame toward the side lines after being hit. Raising your gun and your arms up in the air tells other players that I have been hit and to please refrain from pelting me with more paintballs.

Exhibit C: Here's me squatting down not doing anything. Note to self: when playing paintball, point gun at the opposing team, not the ground.

Pretty nifty, eh? Ok, maybe not. Here are some answers to questions I know you are dying to ask:

1. Does it hurt?
Yes, yes it does. The ones that really hurt are the paintballs that don't pop on impact. The ones that just bounce off of me made me want to crawl into my secret corner and cry.

2. Did you get any brusies?
Yes, yes I did. I had several unwelcomed welts and bruises. They were completely gone in a couple of weeks though, if that's any consolation. Actually, the thing that hurt the most when I slipped and scraped my shin running up a hill. That one stung for a while.

3. Did the paintball gear protect you?
Yes and no. The only protective gear I was able to rent there was a helmet, which was more of a face guard. I had several paintballs hit and bounce off the top of my head where the helmet did not provide any protection. Those paintballs felt like somebody throwing a marble on your head. I know how that feels because I was champion marble head thrower back in the day.

4. Why did you play in a t-shirt if it hurts?
If you want to minimize the pain in paintballing, you intuitively wear thicker clothing. But the problem is that you get hot. So you either play in sweat or play in pain. Perhaps not thinking so clearly due to the number of shots I took off the noggin, I doffed the sweatshirt.

5. How long is a game?
A typical game probably lasts about 15 minutes. And to play the game well, you need patience. Of course, I was one of the idiots in the front line that just sprinted toward enemy territory at the sound of the starting whistle. And of course, I got hit early and often. Once you get hit, you're out for the whole game. You have to learn to sit back and let the enemies come to you. But I wasn't having any of that and my gung-ho, attack-at-will, banshee-screaming style of play probably wasn't quite in the best interest of strategy.

6. Would you go again?
Yes, if I was playing with a bunch of rookies. It's not cool seeing other people bring their own equipment that makes yours look like something concocted out of Hee Haw.