Going Out On A Limb

There may never be a more appropriate moniker for a tree-sitter than "jack-a-ninny" or "nincompoop". Excuse the R-rated vernacular, but anyone who values a tree more than human needs deserves to be exposed and eviscerated for the poppycockery they stand for. Somewhere out there, Bill O'Reilley must be licking his chops.

Of course, I'm specifically talking about the Berkeley tree-sitters, who have ended their 22 month stay up in a redwood tree. Sure, the redwoods have naturally become monolithic fixtures on the soils of UCB and replacing them with a new sports facility may not be the best idea, but Memorial Stadium sits atop a major earthquake fault and is screaming for retirement. Imagine 70,000 plus watching their beloved bears being upset by another unranked team and all of a sudden... the big one hits! Sadly, there won't be enough tables for everyone to cower under. Throngs of Berkeley brainiacs will resort to making mad dashes out their seats as if the exits were offering free pocket protectors to the first ten people. But when the dust settles, all you will hear on the news is utter tragedy - that there were no free pocket protectors at the exits.

Alrite, I will fess up - it's not so much that I care about the Cal Bear nation, it's more like I don't care for tree-sitters. That little stunt cost California tens of millions of dollars on security measures. The law abiding, non-tree-sitting people of California will end up being slapped with this bill. And it's not fair that they were treated like royalty up there. Because if I was up there chucking down buckets of human waste, they'd just chop the tree down with me in there. Either that or they would just set the tree on fire and leave me to fend for myself.

And what of the trees? With the tree-sitters sitting in and defiling these innocent redwoods for 22 months, what tree wouldn't want to be euthenanized? Those tree-sitters just hurt their own cause and their cause is going to hurt them. At least I secretly hope so. Needless to say, these tree-sitters need better things to do. Take a shower, get pottie retrained, and work on a resume or two. The to-do list should stretch for light years.

Something Smells Fishy...

Put those celebrations on hold, party people. I'm not dead - not yet, anyway. And I don't intend to be until I reach the glorious, ripe age of 173. Why 173? It's just a random number. Don't look too much into it.

So with the news of the Alaskan governor joining the presidential race, I feel a bladder-bulging obligation to share a cool picture from the land "up over." Here it is, in all it's glory, or should I say gory...


The picture needs no explanation, but what kind of blogger would I be if I just slapped on a picture and not give it the proper words it is due? Still a pretty bad one. But it's the blogger's code and I must abide by it. Never heard of this code, you say? That's because it's a set of rules and regulations that I put together for fun. And Section 148.c specifically states that all pictures that need no explanation must be explained.

Anywho, this is my cousin from Alaska. And no, I'm not talking about the fish. I have yet to meet family that belong to an aquatic species. But even more surprising is that the guy with a modicum of Asian resemblance is not my cousin either! But rather, it's the Turkish delight on the left. I've censored his smooth 'stache to conceal his identity. PETA would have a field day with him.

But show me someone that's not impressed with the size of that halibut and I'll show you a liar. Perhaps the greatest feat to be feated in the history of my family, this picture has brought honor to the family, counteracting the slabs of shame I haul in year after year. Sure, I have other cousins who do some pretty nifty things... One puts his life on the line everyday to protect citizens, one contributes to academia and the public community, one turns savage natives into classy scholars, and one is a world-renown organ scholar. But this one catch outshines them all. My younger cousins have blindingly bright futures ahead of them and may top this one day but trying to out-cool this bountiful catch is still akin to me trying to do long division - might as well wave that white flag while it's still clean.

The Louvre has Mona Lisa. The Forbidden Palace has Mao Zedong. And my family? We have the halibut slayer.

Oh, and that red, bloody-like substance bleeding out of the flesh - that's just rasperry jam.

Free To Bet

It just came to me that I have a blog. And blogs get updated. Seeing as how my last post was when oil was a bargain at about $100 a barrel, it probably means my blog deserves better treatment. I mean you can't ignore a blog like you can a child. Okay, scratch that. No parent should ever ignore their children, even the middle one. But my point is that this Free Tibet thing is a becoming more poppycockish by the minute. Hmm... do my transitions need a little work? ....nah.

Anywho, where I'm from, Planet Earth, the Olympic torch relay has become a big deal. Security is being beefed up wherever the torch goes to stop ungainly Frenchmen from snuffing out the flame. In San Francisco, the Gav pulled a fast one and changed the route of the relay at the last minute. All this hoopla because people either want to show their support for an independent Tibet or need an excuse to delay filling out job applications.

If I were to open up a store that only sold Tibet flags, I'd be seeing a lot of green right about now. And by green, I'm talking about the marijuana residue left on the monies that the tree-hugging, hygene-phobic hippies use to buy these flags. The funny thing is that those Tibet flags are probably made in China. Perhaps, it's more ironic than funny. Or perhaps, it's not. But those flags have to be selling like hotcakes. And like hotcakes, several weeks from now, those flags are going to be mighty stale. What are people going to do with the flag then? I've got an idea. Bring it to Beijing and wave it around.

But seriously, I don't really care whether Tibet gets independence or not. I just don't think people should turn the Olympics into a political fanfare. The Olympics is a time for countries to put their differences aside. It should be about international unity and laughing at those massive guys that grunt when they do the shot put. So just sit back and enjoy the 2008 Olympics, mmkay?